Add a Vampire
This is for you… ; )
“Can’t Find an Ending to Your Novel? Add a Vampire by Marianne Hess Via Opium Magazine
Have you written yourself into a corner? Did you forget that the plot you made up would actually have to lead somewhere? Did you just realize—after seventeen drafts, 200 outlines, five expensive writers’ workshops and a divorce from your spouse because he or she couldn’t understand writing is your calling in life and you simply had no time for a day job or pointless outings with your loved ones—that your 500,000-word masterpiece is barely plausible at best?
Don’t worry. There’s a simple fix: add a vampire. No matter what you’re writing, a vampire will solve all your problems (and guarantee publication!!!!!).
Here are examples from my own novels.
1. Save a dying loved one when there’s no other solution:
Mrs. Hayworth cradled little Timmy’s head, tears gushing down her cheeks.
“Am I going to die?” said little Timmy, in that sweet doe-eyed way he said everything.
“Yes,” said Mrs. Hayworth. “You have a rare medical condition, so rare that you’re the only one who has it. No one can cure Little Timmy Disease. But wait! Who’s that?”
Mrs. Hayworth’s eyes suddenly turned to the shadowy corner of the hospital room. A crooked figure lurched out, eyes glowing and fangs bared.
“I’ll cure you, Little Timmy,” said the totally unexpected vampire visitor. “I’ll cure you for all eternity.”
2. Give your young-adult protagonist what she wants, though all signs point to failure:
All hope was lost. After getting her head dunked into the toilet a dozen times, being called “fatso” every day, and having those mean girls slap pictures of her all over the school with the words “Lost Dog” underneath, Bertha Glandprob would never be part of the A-list.
She plodded down the hall, past the “it” clique, when out floated a vampire. He grabbed each “it” girl by the throat. One by one, he forced them to look into his smoldering eyes.
“You will accept Bertha Glandprob as one of your own!” he wailed in a creepy hypnotic voice.
He winked at Bertha and floated back to his coffin. Bertha, surrounded in her new friends, clapped her hands and called, “Hey thanks, vampire dude! You totally rock!”
3. Explain your hero’s uncharacteristic actions in your science-fiction universe:
”I don’t understand,” said the green alien. “How did you, a puny earthling, manage to override the Merconian death order and breach the containment field? And how did you achieve warp speed in a ship powered by Coors Light?”
Jeb scratched his head. “Well, ya see— there was this vampire fella, ‘n’ he sorta put a mind-meld on me, ‘n’ guided all my actions ‘n’ stuff.”
The green alien nodded, and Jeb was lauded as a hero throughout the galaxy.
4. Teach a moral lesson at the end of your children’s book:
“Monsters aren’t real,” said Sally’s mom, plugging in her nightlight. “You’ll be fine.”
Sally snuggled happily under her covers. If her mom said she’d be fine, it must’ve been true. Her mom was a big, strapping adult. They knew everything. “Thanks a million, mom,” Sally said in her squeaky voice.
Sally’s mom kissed her and left. Sally was humming her favorite Jonas Brothers song, her eyes fluttering shut, when an ugly monster in a black cape floated out of her closet.
“What do you want?” Sally screamed.
The monster loomed over her, fangs glinting in the glow of her nightlight. “To suck your precious blood, you bratty little twerp!”
The next morning, Sally’s mom woke up bright and early and walked into Sally’s bedroom. She learned an important lesson that day. The end!
5. Save your character during a court trial:
T-Bone shuffled restlessly in his seat. He’d be going away for a long time, thanks to the mounds of evidence and the fact that he bragged to all those people about not getting caught, including but not limited to anyone who’d listen in a dozen strip joints across the nation and the entire assembly at his nephew’s Bar Mitzvah. He might as well have been wearing a shirt that said,
“I did it.” He owned one— with kickass leather trim, too— but his attorney thought it was a bad idea.
T-Bone listened to his ex-girlfriend jabbering on the witness stand, watched the judge flip through the diary where he scribbled down every detail of his crimes, saw the security footage of himself aiming guns in the faces of various convenience store employees. His eyes traveled to the jury and landed on a pale man with sharp canines and a widow’s peak.
He stood and pointed. “He did it!” he yelled. “That vampire! He robbed all those 7-Elevens! Not me!”
The rest of the jury gasped. The judge pounded his gavel. “T-Bone is correct,” he said. “If that man truly is a vampire, surely he’s responsible. Case dismissed.”
They hauled off the vampire, T-Bone went free.
6. Win a battle when it’s obvious your heroes don’t stand a chance:
“Sarge, we’re surrounded,” said Soldier Bob.
A guy popped his head out of the trench and got it blown off. Yep, they were surrounded.
“It’s the end,” said Sarge, weeping uncontrollably. “Unless….” He pointed past Soldier Bob, to a vampire crouching calmly in the mud and filth.
“Golly gee, he’s immortal, ain’t he?” asked Soldier Bob.
The Sarge grinned. “He sure is, Bobby boy! Give him a gun and send him up!”
This technique should fix your novel ending in no time. If not, try these alternatives:
1. Add a boy wizard; magic wands can solve anything
2. Blow up the Earth; your characters’ problems will be over forever
3. End with a rhetorical question. For example: “Max was doomed to his horrible fate. Or was he?”
4. Write “To Be Continued….” and hope for a two-book deal
5. Don’t end it; make it a statement about the interminable nightmare called “life.” (Note: if you use this method, you might win a Pulitzer!!!!!).
Marianne Hess an Indiana native, has recently seen her short humor published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and Defenestration. She’s pale and only goes out in the dark, but that’s not because she’s a vampire. It’s because she’s an albino opossum. “
